SAHNIK (script)
The following is unedited from the original document except for formatting. Script Vee: You are watching WTMF-49, with a special premiere of a brand new TV movie: SsssAHnic. Please enjoy, and remember, you didn't pay for this. Sonic: *Scatting obnoxiously over the Sonic X opening, TV-Y7 replaced with SO-NIC* *Episode opens, dramatic score* Eggman: 3...2...1... Sonic: SONIC! Eggman: *Sigh* Go get him... *Gunfire* Sonic: *Smirking* Me! Hm! Hm-hm! Hm hm-hm hm-hm! *Robot smacks him* Sonic: Ow! Tails: SONIC! I'm comin' to save you- *Plane gets shot* O...kayyy, I guess I'm not! Amy: *Freaking out* Tails!! Why did you bring me along for this?! Tails: Oh hi Amy! Knuckles: Oooh NO! Tails: OoKAY~! Thanks, Knuckles! Amy: Knuckles! Knuckles: Oh? Amy: What's going on over there? Can you see? Knuckles: No. Decoe: It didn't work, sir. Eggman: *Prolonged sigh, turns to Cream* I'm sorry Cream. I tried. Cream: *Sad* Why won't Sonic leave us alone...? Eggman: I...I don't know. I tried everything, sweety, I just- Sonic: Bop! *Wall explodes* Eggman: Sonic... for god's sake, I'm curing her disease! Please just give me a chance! Sonic: My dad told me I don't have a chance in hell. So how can I give you one? Eggman: Wha-... FUCKING...Loan one! I don't know! I don't understand you! Sonic: Ha! Sonic! I'm standing! Eggman: I can see that! Sonic: Now I'm on the wall! Eggman: Don't fire into my emergency room! Sonic: I'll protect you! Eggman: ...What..?! Sonic: *Jumps away* I tried! *Fires* Eggman: AAAGH! Bocoe: Uh...sir? Look... Eggman: Huh? ALL OF THE CUUURES! *Base explodes* Sonic: Looks like Dr. Eggman doesn't have a lab! Hey Cream, I got a joke! Ow, I'm on fire! Tails: Well I guess this is happening today. Knuckles: Oh no. *Fade to white, fade in to Sonic sleeping* Sonic: Inhale! Snore! Inhale! Snore! Huh? Well I guess I'm dead! Father? *Car horns start* Sonic: It is you! Driver: Hey asshole, get out of the road! Sonic: Aww, I missed you too. Cop: Stop right there! Sonic: No! *Runs away* *Helicopter flies over* Pilot: This is the police! You have the right to remain- Sonic: Sonic! Pilot: Yes you do. But also stop. Sonic: Still no! *Cut to blockade* Sonic: Sonic running into the camera! Commercial! Sonic running into camera again! Sonic fly! *Sonic singing "Chariots of Fire"* Cop: Uh, Chief, I'd just like to say, um... "shit"? Radio man: Roger. "Shit". Hey Sam. Sam: Did someone... "drrrriiiive-ah"? Radio man: Yes...Sam...yes. Sam: Well good. 'Cause I can do that. *Cut to Speed Team walking down* Sam: *In head, douche-sings "Chariots of Fire"* *Cut to Sonic sitting on a lamppost* Sonic: I wonder if Tails can fly?! Tails: I just flew in today, and wow my ass hurts! Sonic: *Jumping down* Guess that's a yes! *Sam drives up* Sam: *Talking muffled for an extended period, takes of mask* Ahhhh driving. Sooo... *Condescending* This is my, uh... CAR. I see you're still using legs. You know what I use my legs for? Making my CAR work. Sonic: Hm! Sam: *Still condescending* You know what I also use them for? Steering sometimes. *Pause, cars chase after Sonic* Sam: *Douche-dramatic* My name is Sam. Sam SPEED. I'm glad you like it. It's German. Sonic: Oh no, I'm depressed! I'm over it! *Jumps onto car* Sonic: *Looks into camera* Always run into traffic, kids! Whoa, me! Speed Team 1: Someone just run over the damn hedgehog! Speed Team 2: *Gasp* I CAN'T! Speed Team 1: Why not?! Sonic: *Sings a can-can* Speed Team 2: He's...so..COOL. Sam: Step aside, guys. Watch me drrriiiive. With my haaands. In my carrrr. That I uuuuse. To drrriiive- *Blasts forward* Sonic: *Can-can interrupted* Sam: I'm gonna use the nitrooo. While I drrriiiive- Speed Team 1 and 2: SHUT UP, SAM. Sonic: *Zooming up* Ssssoooo-! So-! So-! SONiiiiiiiiic! Sam: I just realized there's no brrrakesss... In my carrr... That I drrriiiive- *Crashes offscreen* *Sonic flies off* Sonic: *Flying* I still wonder if Tails can fly! I'm falling! *Falls* Ah! *Splash* Now I'm drowning! *Suddenly next to Chris* Cough! Cough-cough! Now I'm not! Chris: Wow, you can talk! My name's Chris-! Sonic: *Jumps back in the water* Now I am again! ...Sonic died! Darn. *Credits, Sonic and Sam douche-chorus "Chariots of Fire"* *Post-Credits* Tails: Yep, it's still going! This is a really slow explosion! Ohp! Here it is! Yeah, that's really hot! Ow-OH! OH! IT'S SO HOT! Knuckles: OooOOOOOOH Nooooo. Vee: SAHNIK will be right back after... never! Stay tuned for more Roller Disco Cancer Zebras, only on: JETIX! Category:Episode Scripts